By Legacy, by Fear or by Will?
Religion plays a fundamental part of life for millions of people around the world, -for some-, religion still dictates the rules on how one should act and behave.
No question, religion is still an immensely important part of life for many people. If religion plays such a huge role, one would assume that selecting a religion must be a tough decision, a gigantic challenge which would require a lot of preparation, understating the differences, the different opinions, the beliefs, comparing all of them and finally making a leap of faith. By simply evidencing how impactful religion is in some people’s lives, the process of deciding a religion must be significantly more difficult than deciding our partners, whether to have children, or needless to say; buy a house.
But, do we?. Do we invest time on making that life changing decision of choosing our religion?
The reality is that We DONT, We do almost nothing about this. We believe what we believe because our parents told us to do so, the main reason why someone is Catholic and other is Muslim is not on the preferences for certain core values, ideas or beliefs but on the place we are born. We don’t make the choice, the choice is given, is legacy.
We do many things driven by legacy
Not only our religion is the result of legacy, but often are our studies, the job we choose, the schools we go, the home made remedies we take and the new medicine we ignore.
Take Female Genital Mutilation (FGM), which is practiced in many different countries. FGM consists on the procedure of partial or total removal of external female genitalia for non-medical purposes. There are many reasons why communities do it but it relates mainly to myths, like; an uncut clitoris will grow to the size of the penis or that FGM enhances fertility, obviously all this has been proven false by science since decades, but, why is it that many still do it?
Legacy.
We do not need to go too far to see that legacy driven decisions are also part of everyday situations. Work is a great example of plenty decisions made “because We’ve always done it this way”. This approach hinder innovation, creativity and competitive advantage.
Companies like Blockbuster or Kodak are good examples of keeping doing the things they used to. Now they don’t exist anymore.
The Most Dangerous Phrase In Business: “We’ve always done it this way”
A possible solution?
Question everything. Take a children’s approach.
Why do We go to the same place on holidays?, Why do We end always in the same restaurant ordering the same?, is that really good? Or is just comfortable and is what we are used to do?
By questioning constantly why do we do the things we do, it can spark curiosity within ourselves, kids and teens are great at this, they are willing to explore, to try new things, they do not understand when they receive answers like; “because this is the way it is”, “because I am your father’, “because we used to do it this way”. The world changes but the answers stay the same. We should find new answers to the new world’s challenges, and certainly an answer based on the past will not necessary help solving the problems of today.
Deciding or doing things because of legacy is not a bad thing per se, it becomes though when we fool ourselves thinking that the decision is ours instead of inherited.
What a sad thing not doing what we truly want just because of legacy thinking.
Fear of regret is another driver stopping us from doing what we truly want, we think we will regret, so better we don’t act. We forget that regret, -same as joy and sadness- is a part of life we will always live with.
“Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.”
Søren Kierkegaard
We do many things driven by Fear
If doing things driven by legacy is the default mode, then doing things driven by fear is the braking mode, fear stops us from making decisions because we foresee terrible consequences if our choice goes wrong.
Why do we stay in our job? We might have a passion for doing something else, we might be tired of the boredom and politics from the corporate world, we might have a little voice in our minds telling us that this is not really where we should be, But we ignore it. Why? Fear of the unknown, the “what if the new thing is not working out”, “what if I don’t earn the same money”, “what if I fail”, “what if”.. The fear of losing status, when we are so into our work that our job title becomes our self esteem, we become job-dependent; if we lose our job we lose our self esteem.
Why do we stay with our partners? We might be bored, we might be willing to move to another country, we might be meeting someone who fits better with the person we are today than the one we were many years ago, We might just be willing to be more time alone and move on, but we do not leave our partners. Why? Fear of loneliness, the need to feel loved by someone else (no matter who) is higher than the love we have for ourselves. We desperately seek for approval.
Why am I here anyway? Sometimes fear is not only stopping us from doing what we really want but often fear makes us do things to “fit in”, to liberate us from the fear of feeling rejected. How many times do we say yes when we want to say no? How many times we find ourselves in a middle of a conversation, a place or a group of people and we ask ourselves: “What am I doing here?”. We have a huge need of belonging and we try to avoid rejection as much as possible. We often say yes regardless of our preferences.
A possible solution?
Memento Mori: Remember that you are going to die.
We would do many things differently if we knew that our last day is in 2 weeks time, We would focus on doing things that we really want to, we would appreciate others much more and we would have no time for seeking approval, for “fit in”, for politics or status. Remembering that We are going to die can open the doors to be more true to ourselves and stop wasting our limited time.
“Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is a Life’s change agent”
Steve Jobs
People often regret the things they did not do rather than the things they did.
Who will care about what you did or did not do in a 500 years from now?
We do very few things driven by will
Doing things driven by legacy or by fear might feel good in the short term, as it is very comfortable and easy to make those decisions. On the opposite side is making a decision driven by will, doing it because we truly want, but that’s uncomfortable, difficult and we might get into trouble. To make things worst, will has its enemy; AKRASIA or “the weakness of the will”. Akrasia is a term the Greek philosophers used to the describe the suffering we encounter when we know we should do something but we do something else.
Almost everyone knows the benefits of a healthy life driven by a good sleep, constant exercise and being away from alcohol, drugs and too much sugar, but how many follow it despite almost everyone knowing it?
“..it is because of akrasia that we often both understand what we should do and resolutely omit to do it”
The School of Life, An Emotional Education.
A possible solution?
The Greeks philosophers also had a term proposing a solution; ENKRATEIA or “power over yourself”. Enkrateia is about progressing slowly but consistently by showing up. Enkrateia is the opposite of Akrasia.
We are victims often from akrasia because we either feel overwhelmed or unfocused, Neil Strauss suggests that overwhelm is about mentally managing what’s coming from outside yourself, while unfocused is about mentally managing what’s going on inside. Instead of forcing to stop the overwhelm or push for more focus, is better to step away from the source of the problem and do something completely different (meditation is a way), this will help to look at the situation from outside with different eyes and eventually think clearly.
“Many people think they lack motivation when what they really lack is clarity”
Mental and emotional stability comes when We do things by will and help others. This is a way to live a more fulfilling life, and the first step into doing more things driven by will is by recognizing why we do what we do.
So next time when you are frustrated, happy, sad or bored ask yourself if the decision that led to the situation you are was driven by Legacy, by Fear or by Will?
Plenty of books give ideas on how to do small progress to do more by will and less by legacy or by fear;
Nudge is a book about making subtle changes in context that help us avoid making bad decisions. Nudge, Cass R. Sunstein and Richard H. Thaler
Atomic Habits is a book about how can you make tiny changes to your behavior, which, when repeated time and time again, will become habits that may lead to big results. Atomic Habits, James Clear
The Power of Habit is a book explaining the role habits play in our lives. With all habits going through a cue-routine-reward loop, the book suggests to substitute the routine but keep both cue and reward. The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg
